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Big Ball of POOP

Super Bouncy BallI must confess that I was unprepared to be the mother of boys.  Actually, I will probably never be prepared to be the mother of boys – and I have three of them. Two are now teenagers.

How do you prepare for what boys can do when you grew up with only sisters?  My father was the only male in our house and I don’t ever remember walking into the bathroom and seeing the toilet in the upright position or even unflushed.  As long as I have known him he has been well trained, clean and organized – nothing like the three wild dogs who call me Mom.

When I was growing up, the worst things I remember doing were 1. Poking my sister in the breast with a  sewing needle because I didn’t want her to boss me around, 2. I touched a hot burner with my bare hand after my dad told me not to touch the stove because it was hot, 3. I got kicked off my best friends horse after he told me to stop kicking it in the flanks – what are flanks? 4. I tied green sewing thread across the yard from the tree to the front porch at about the neck level of a two year old….not a good surprise for my little sister.  5. I held a lit, black cat fire cracker too long and it exploded in my hand – more than once.  Sometime my ears still ring at night and I have to sleep with a fan on for static noise to drown out the ringing. 6. And I once held my sisters mouth shut while I blew into her nose.  But I never did any of the things my boys have done.  At least I don’t think so.  I don’t know where it comes from.

On a recent Sunday night I stayed up late to do laundry.  The last two loads were boys clothes.  I added a few of my own garments to wear to work the next day.  At midnight the buzzer on the dryer sounded off and I promptly opened the door to remove the clothes.  As soon as the dryer door opened a razor blade fell out and landed next to my foot.  I didn’t even want to know why.  My main concern was whether or not any of the clothes had been slashed.  Thankfully, after careful inspection, they had not.  Then, as I opened the front loading washer and began to remove the second load of laundry my sense of smell was assaulted by the distinct odor coming from a big ball of poop about the size of a super bouncy ball lodged in the rubber door liner!  I carefully removed each piece of laundry and inspected it for poop.  Finding none, I reloaded the clothes, removed the big ball of poop from the liner and restarted the machine, selecting the heavy duty setting with all of the selections turned on – hot water, extended wash, extra rinse, extended spin, stain clean – and I used an extra dose of 3x detergent.  This smell would be gone in no time.

The next morning at 5:30 AM I moved the clothes from the washer to the dryer – a process we call the hokey pokey – popped in two dryer sheets and then I took a shower to wake up.  After slathering myself with cocoa butter scented lotion I used baby power scented deodorant.  At 7:00 am I finally removed the clothes from the dryer and got dressed for the day.  On the way to work, I noticed that I could still smell the poop.  How could this be?  So, I stopped at the dollar store and bought a bottle of heavy duty fabric refresher that eliminates odors.  Back in the car, I sprayed myself down from head to toe before I entered my office for the day.  Unfortunately, I still smelled like a big ball of poop.  That is all  I could smell all day long.  I couldn’t wait to get home and change my clothes.   When I got home I asked the mister to sniff me and tell me what he smelled.  He crinkled his nose and gave me a whiff.  Then he made a bad face and told me all he could smell was something that smelled too sweet.

I don’t know what everyone else smelled, but all I smelled all day long was that big ball of poop.

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